First few days of motherhood..

When I found out I was pregnant, I had this idea of motherhood and how I wanted it to be like - it didn't turn out that way at all.  Every mother and baby is different.  You can imagine how life will be like once the baby comes, and you can make all the plans in the world - but most of the time, it doesn't work out that way.

I thought I would be able to breastfeed easily, and I would get time to go out and get my nails done, and get a massage.  I was imagining leaving the baby with my mom and going for lunch with the girls.  I was thinking about how I would put on my makeup and look all nice when people came to visit at the hospital after the birth.  Nothing worked out that way.  When people came, I just wanted them gone.  I put on no makeup and even having conversations was a drag.  I just wanted to be left alone and I wanted to be out of the hospital pronto.  I had it in my head that once I went home, I would feel better.

The first few days were just a blur - I didn't feel like myself.  I felt lost.  I felt like I had lost something so near and dear to me, when I had actually gained the one who would be the nearest and dearest. 

Breastfeeding was hard, my baby just wouldn't be able to latch.  The rare times when I was able to get her to latch without a nurse helping me, I wouldn't move a muscle or make a sound - incase she would get startled and wouldn't latch again.  I felt the nurse I had was a bit insensitive - I knew she had a full load of patients and I can appreciate all that nurses do, but I had called her a few times to help get my baby to latch - she became a bit unpleasant, reminding me that I wasn't her only patient and I would have to wait until she had a minute.  I ended up crying for a while, because I didn't know how to feed my baby and she wouldn't stop crying.

Once home,  it didn't get better.  I felt alone and felt like I was stuck in my room.  I couldn't leave or go anywhere.  I had decided to breastfeed, which meant feeding on demand - so I was a bit hesitant to leave the house with her.  Of course, you can feed your baby when you go out (I do so now), but back then I couldn't get my baby to latch - when it was time to feed her, I would take my shirt off and my mom would help me. I didn't pump in the beginning, because all I heard from everyone was, to build your supply, your baby needs to feed off you.

My sister urged me to go out, but how was I supposed to leave my daughter?  What if she got hungry, or needed me?  They couldn't help her!  I would get angry and resentful and snap at her - that she doesn't understand. A few weeks later, I did try to pump and leave my baby, but she refused the bottle and I couldn't leave again - which made it even worse for me.

My mom wanted to have a little party in honor of my daughter - and all I did was snap at her about how I didn't want a party and in honesty - I was being mean.  I just wanted someone else to be miserable, like how I was feeling.  It wasn't a good time for me.  At the party, I mostly stayed in my room with my baby and went out only few times for a few minutes at my moms request.

All those feelings I had seem irrational to me now - but in those times, they were how I felt.  And understandably so.  Having a baby is hard, it's a lonely feeling.  The nights when it seems like the world is asleep and you're the only one awake dealing with a fussy baby.  Seeing everyone continue with life, go out, go to work, and generally be able to do what they want - while you are stuck having to plan your minutes around your baby.  It's something that you know you will have to do when you're pregnant, but living it - it's a different ball game. 

This was the beginning of PPD/baby blues for me.  I'll get more into it in another post. 

I just want any new mothers, or even mothers who have been mothers for a while, for those who are expecting a child, and those who are trying for a child - you are not alone.  Reach out to someone and speak to them.  If it is hard to speak to someone you know (as I felt), reach out to other mothers online.  Feel free to message me!

Delivery Story

To give you a bit of background, I had decided to deliver in the US (Me and my husband live in the UK).  The reason for that decision was honestly, my mom.  As this being my first baby, and not having a support system in UK - I decided I wanted to be near my mom for this.  She was a big help in teaching me and getting me through my ceserean and taking care of my baby girl.

I flew to the US in my third trimester and everything was good.  Baby looked healthy, I was healthy and gaining like no other - honestly, I gained so much weight!  Nearer to my delivery, they told me that my baby was getting big and that if I waited too long, I might have to get a c-section as she will be too big for my to deliver.  Came my delivery date, and no baby.  So I decided to schedule my induction.  This is basically when they give you medicine to induce your contractions, so your labor can start.

I got to the hospital the night before at 10:00 pm, as usually inductions can take quite a while.  They checked me in and gave my the medicine to start the induction.  In a little bit, the pain started.  It wasn't anything bad, but i could definitely feel it.  They came to check on me every hour or so and to check if I was dilating.  Honestly 6 hours in, and I hadn't dilated a bit.  So they upped the dosage and then the pain really started.  But my daughter just didn't want to get out!  about 13 hours later, I had dilated 3 cm, and they broke my water. and continued giving me medicine.  But then, I got a bit of a fever and my babies heart beat slowed down.  They said it was because of the medicine and they stopped giving it to me.  They started me on antibiotics and there I sat.  With the pain increasing and being beyond uncomfortable.  I had to wait for my babies heart beat to regulate back to normal before getting the epidural.  It took 2 hours for them to be comfortable with her steady heartbeat - and then they gave me the epidural I had been asking for, which did help.  In the next few hours I dilated to 10 cm and was ready to push.  By this time, my sister drove in from Dallas, and my SIL was at the hospital.

I started pushing at 9:00 pm on July 2nd, with my mom on one side and my sister on the other. They held my hand and helped me push.  I was pushing for a good 45 minutes with a nurse, when the doctor came to check in on me.  She had me push with her for a few minutes and she then told me that due to my pelvic bone my baby was not able to come out and they would need to do a c-section. I was bummed.  They whole reason I had the induction was because I didn't want to have a c-section.  But what could I do -  they cleaned me up and got me ready to go.  My husband was unable to fly down for the delivery and was on the phone with my SIL - I was all over the place with my emotions.  I really wanted him there at that moment, but we knew that this would happen if I had delivered in the US and had been okay with it. They wheeled me in the surgery room and my sister was allowed in with me.  She held my hand through the procedure.

I had a cloth draped over, so I couldn't really see anything.  I was staring straight up at the lights and praying.  My sister was next to me, quietly.  I was shaking a lot due to the medicine they had given me.  The anaesthesiologist was the nicest guy, he was on my other side and had his hand over my arm, constantly telling me how great I was doing and that I was almost done.  I asked him if this much quivering was okay, as it seemed a bit too much.  My mouth was shuddering and I could barely speak.  He told me it was normal and if I wanted, they could give me a medicine to calm it down.  At first, I didn't want to take it - as I felt like it was too much medicine and something was wrong.  But after a few minutes, I asked him to give it to me.  My sister was freaking out beside me thinking something is wrong, as I was shaking so much.

Maybe 10 minutes later, I heard it - my baby crying.  And the nurses and doctors saying, "oh my god, she's big", "you're a mom!", "she's lovely!".  She and my sister went to the room next door to clean up.  My sister was the first one to hold her.  They brought her over to me as I was being stitched up, and I remember thinking, get her away from me.  There was just so much going on at that moment. The feelings inside me, there were tears in my eyes. My sister held my hand once again and told me it'll be okay.  They stitched me up and took my back to my room - where my family waited.  They were passing around my daughter.  The nurse asked if I wanted to hold her, and I said not now - I was still shaking and all I wanted in that moment was some Gatorade.  I hadn't ate in over 30 hours, and I just wanted to drink some Gatorade - I wasn't allowed anything but water, but my dad sneaked me some.  My husband was on facetime, wanting to speak to me, and I told him I would call him later.  I did want to talk to him, but I was surrounded by so many people. After about 20 minutes, my shakes calmed down and I was ready to see and hold my daughter.

As I held her for the first time, I couldn't believe she was mine, and that I had carried her around for 9 months.

Sorry, this seemed to get a bit wordy - but I want to document all this for my future self!

Hoping to post more about my feelings and how they changed over time,  picking her name,  and the journey to healing after a c-section.

Thanks for reading!

Mom?!

I feel like I come on here once a year and drop a big life change, and then i disappear. I'm a MOM! When did that happen? On July 2nd, 2019 - our little baby girl was born. Honestly, one of the most surreal moments of my life. I was laying there quivering (due to all the medicine that was coursing through me) with a cloth blocking my view of them cutting me open (I had a C-Section). And when they brought my daughter to show me, I was crying because it was unreal. I didn't want to see her - I was cut open, feeling the pressure on my stomach, shaking uncontrollably, and I just didn't want to see her. I hate admitting it, because now, I can't imagine that feeling. But I felt it. It was the start of baby blues or mild PPD. I'll hopefully get more into it in the next few posts And I really want to take a step forward and blog more for myself. Kind of like a diary of sorts for myself. She's about 3.5 months, and has already flown to a different country (she was born in the US, but we live in the UK).

I'll hopefully make a post a day detailing her birth, first day home, first bath, flying here, and many other things.

July 2nd, 2019