When I found out I was pregnant, I had this idea of motherhood and how I wanted it to be like - it didn't turn out that way at all. Every mother and baby is different. You can imagine how life will be like once the baby comes, and you can make all the plans in the world - but most of the time, it doesn't work out that way.
I thought I would be able to breastfeed easily, and I would get time to go out and get my nails done, and get a massage. I was imagining leaving the baby with my mom and going for lunch with the girls. I was thinking about how I would put on my makeup and look all nice when people came to visit at the hospital after the birth. Nothing worked out that way. When people came, I just wanted them gone. I put on no makeup and even having conversations was a drag. I just wanted to be left alone and I wanted to be out of the hospital pronto. I had it in my head that once I went home, I would feel better.
The first few days were just a blur - I didn't feel like myself. I felt lost. I felt like I had lost something so near and dear to me, when I had actually gained the one who would be the nearest and dearest.
Breastfeeding was hard, my baby just wouldn't be able to latch. The rare times when I was able to get her to latch without a nurse helping me, I wouldn't move a muscle or make a sound - incase she would get startled and wouldn't latch again. I felt the nurse I had was a bit insensitive - I knew she had a full load of patients and I can appreciate all that nurses do, but I had called her a few times to help get my baby to latch - she became a bit unpleasant, reminding me that I wasn't her only patient and I would have to wait until she had a minute. I ended up crying for a while, because I didn't know how to feed my baby and she wouldn't stop crying.
Once home, it didn't get better. I felt alone and felt like I was stuck in my room. I couldn't leave or go anywhere. I had decided to breastfeed, which meant feeding on demand - so I was a bit hesitant to leave the house with her. Of course, you can feed your baby when you go out (I do so now), but back then I couldn't get my baby to latch - when it was time to feed her, I would take my shirt off and my mom would help me. I didn't pump in the beginning, because all I heard from everyone was, to build your supply, your baby needs to feed off you.
My sister urged me to go out, but how was I supposed to leave my daughter? What if she got hungry, or needed me? They couldn't help her! I would get angry and resentful and snap at her - that she doesn't understand. A few weeks later, I did try to pump and leave my baby, but she refused the bottle and I couldn't leave again - which made it even worse for me.
My mom wanted to have a little party in honor of my daughter - and all I did was snap at her about how I didn't want a party and in honesty - I was being mean. I just wanted someone else to be miserable, like how I was feeling. It wasn't a good time for me. At the party, I mostly stayed in my room with my baby and went out only few times for a few minutes at my moms request.
All those feelings I had seem irrational to me now - but in those times, they were how I felt. And understandably so. Having a baby is hard, it's a lonely feeling. The nights when it seems like the world is asleep and you're the only one awake dealing with a fussy baby. Seeing everyone continue with life, go out, go to work, and generally be able to do what they want - while you are stuck having to plan your minutes around your baby. It's something that you know you will have to do when you're pregnant, but living it - it's a different ball game.
This was the beginning of PPD/baby blues for me. I'll get more into it in another post.
I just want any new mothers, or even mothers who have been mothers for a while, for those who are expecting a child, and those who are trying for a child - you are not alone. Reach out to someone and speak to them. If it is hard to speak to someone you know (as I felt), reach out to other mothers online. Feel free to message me!
I thought I would be able to breastfeed easily, and I would get time to go out and get my nails done, and get a massage. I was imagining leaving the baby with my mom and going for lunch with the girls. I was thinking about how I would put on my makeup and look all nice when people came to visit at the hospital after the birth. Nothing worked out that way. When people came, I just wanted them gone. I put on no makeup and even having conversations was a drag. I just wanted to be left alone and I wanted to be out of the hospital pronto. I had it in my head that once I went home, I would feel better.
The first few days were just a blur - I didn't feel like myself. I felt lost. I felt like I had lost something so near and dear to me, when I had actually gained the one who would be the nearest and dearest.
Breastfeeding was hard, my baby just wouldn't be able to latch. The rare times when I was able to get her to latch without a nurse helping me, I wouldn't move a muscle or make a sound - incase she would get startled and wouldn't latch again. I felt the nurse I had was a bit insensitive - I knew she had a full load of patients and I can appreciate all that nurses do, but I had called her a few times to help get my baby to latch - she became a bit unpleasant, reminding me that I wasn't her only patient and I would have to wait until she had a minute. I ended up crying for a while, because I didn't know how to feed my baby and she wouldn't stop crying.
Once home, it didn't get better. I felt alone and felt like I was stuck in my room. I couldn't leave or go anywhere. I had decided to breastfeed, which meant feeding on demand - so I was a bit hesitant to leave the house with her. Of course, you can feed your baby when you go out (I do so now), but back then I couldn't get my baby to latch - when it was time to feed her, I would take my shirt off and my mom would help me. I didn't pump in the beginning, because all I heard from everyone was, to build your supply, your baby needs to feed off you.
My sister urged me to go out, but how was I supposed to leave my daughter? What if she got hungry, or needed me? They couldn't help her! I would get angry and resentful and snap at her - that she doesn't understand. A few weeks later, I did try to pump and leave my baby, but she refused the bottle and I couldn't leave again - which made it even worse for me.
My mom wanted to have a little party in honor of my daughter - and all I did was snap at her about how I didn't want a party and in honesty - I was being mean. I just wanted someone else to be miserable, like how I was feeling. It wasn't a good time for me. At the party, I mostly stayed in my room with my baby and went out only few times for a few minutes at my moms request.
All those feelings I had seem irrational to me now - but in those times, they were how I felt. And understandably so. Having a baby is hard, it's a lonely feeling. The nights when it seems like the world is asleep and you're the only one awake dealing with a fussy baby. Seeing everyone continue with life, go out, go to work, and generally be able to do what they want - while you are stuck having to plan your minutes around your baby. It's something that you know you will have to do when you're pregnant, but living it - it's a different ball game.
This was the beginning of PPD/baby blues for me. I'll get more into it in another post.
I just want any new mothers, or even mothers who have been mothers for a while, for those who are expecting a child, and those who are trying for a child - you are not alone. Reach out to someone and speak to them. If it is hard to speak to someone you know (as I felt), reach out to other mothers online. Feel free to message me!
